Today I’ll touch on how asking great questions will help you build better relationships.  This one is a deep topic that I’ll give a Reader’s Digest of insight toward but is worthy of its own book, as John Maxwell wrote in Good Leaders Ask Great Questions.  

Einstein encouraged us to question everything, for it’s only through inquiring that we truly gain knowledge.  Questions are the foundation of your endeavors to learn more about another person.  They give insight to where people are at today, what motivates them and who they are.  As I touched on previously, questions are an important part of being a great listener.  Master the art of molding a conversation through questions and you will build solid relationships.  Let’s dive into some insight on improving our questioning and expanding our relationships.

ASKING LEADS TO LEARNING
It is said that you don’t get what you don’t ask for.  I know I used that many times as a kid when I knew I wasn’t going to get something I wanted, and shrugging off the denial with a “doesn’t hurt to try!”  Unless you are asking aggressive or provocative questions, it’s likely you will get answers when you ask.  The more you can keep someone sharing, the deeper insight into them will be gained.

USE QUESTIONS PEOPLE WILL WANT TO ANSWER
Sure there are times when you need to ask that hard question that will likely make someone uncomfortable, but those should be the extreme exceptions.  Dale Carnegie stated in How to Win Friends and Influence People, “Ask questions the other person will enjoy answering.”  People love talking about themselves, and the more comfortable they become in the conversation the more they will share.

ASK ONE THING PER QUESTION
Have you ever received a response to an email and thought to yourself, “they didn’t even answer the question”?  I know when this has happened to me I realize I asked an irrelevant or lesser question before the real question.  Most people won’t take the time to answer multiple questions or lose track of secondary questions after investing in the first one posed.  If you have multiple inquiries then it’s up to you to track that process and pose them one at a time, with adequate time given to answer each.

KEEP YOUR QUESTIONS OPEN-ENDED
Either/or and yes/no questions are conversation killers.  You lose considerable momentum in a dialog when the prompted response can be one word or a reference to the former/latter.  You will find occasions when you do need to ask a pointed and simply answered question, however that should always be immediately followed with further inquiry based on the response to keep the conversation moving.  Another key to keeping your questions open-ended is to keep them to one sentence.  This will easily keep you away from compounding or implying responses in your inquiry.

USE PROBING AND CLARIFYING QUESTIONS
As the conversation progresses, use your questions to drive deeper into areas that either interest you or appear more exciting to the person sharing.  These will solicit more information from your partner.  Going deeper into the information shared will signal to them that you are listening and interested, and they will feel heard and respected.  When you do attempt to elicit more information, be genuine in that request.  Use encouragement, such as “I’d love to see more from your perspective on that point.  Start from the beginning and build me a picture.”  This allows for gaining insight without claiming you don’t know anything about the topic.

AVOID LEADING QUESTIONS
Leading questions give a predefined answer and take away from your ability to learn from their response.  Rather than asking, “Don’t you think we should…?”, instead use a foundational statement about the topic and follow it up with, “How would you approach the issue?”  The former offers the solution, where the second prompts input.  Giving them the answer will subconsciously favor the concept of you not needing their perspective as you have all the answers.

USE QUESTIONS TO KEEP THEM TALKING
A pause in a conversation isn’t always a bad thing.  There are moments when they say ‘the first to speak loses’ at key times in a conversation, especially around decision points.  But when most conversations lull they are in danger of collapse.  If you feel as those a phase in a conversation is coming to a conclusion, be ready to introduce a new concept.  Early in a relationship you can use the concept of F.O.R.M. to drive your conversation topics:

  • (F)amily: Who they are, where they come from, spouse, kids.
  • (O)ccupation: Where they work, how they got there, what education it took.
  • (R)ecreation: What do they do for fun, hobbies, sports, activities.
  • (M)otivation: What really drives them, makes them spring out of bed in the morning.

DON’T INTERRUPT
There are a few exceptions, such as when the conversation goes down the wrong path, but generally you will want to let people complete their thought processes.  Interrupting shows you don’t value what they are sharing and stops their train of thought.  Let them take you down the road they started.  There’s a moral to every story and it’s usually the most important part.

As you can see, there’s a lot to questions.  They are key to learning about someone and learning leads to solidifying relationships.  In asking others for their thoughts and opinions, you value them and in return they will value you.  I’ve left many conversations without saying anything about myself but leaving the other person excited about the experience and looking forward to the next.  Your time to share will come and it will be more impactful after they value and trust you.

This is a continuation of our series on Maximizing Relationships.